an old worn shoe taught me a lot

as i was looking down at my keys today i realized that i have A LOT of keychains- too many in fact- so many i feel that they were the reason for the replacement of my ignition a couple of months back. D is constantly telling me that i should think about retiring some of my keychains. so today i looked at them- all of them. from my "tofu fighting" keychain to my laser pointer keychain and finally to his keychain- this one could be taken off right? after all i've had it on my key ring for the past 4 years and it really is tattered, torn, and very worn out looking. then i realized why it was worn out looking- because i have taken this keychain with me everywhere for the past four years of my life- my college life to be exact. everything i have endured- good times, bad times, in-between times- through these past four years this tiny pink shoe has been there for. maybe this is why it looks so worn.

-i decided to make a list- you all know how i love lists! this list is a list of things i have gone through- things that have been tough, others that have been joyous and beautiful. there have been paths that were ended and new ones found. all throughout these four years i never realized just how much has happened to me. so here it is.

- i remember the first day i got this little pink shoe. it was my freshman year of college when i first started dancing. one of my closest friends cara gave this to me as a present for christmas. she told me she knew i loved the color pink and that she knew i loved to dance- and so did she, so naturally it was the perfect gift. i put that shoe on my key ring that very day and haven't taken it off once to this day.

- that same year i began swing dancing- it was a wonderful way to open up the real me. i was finally growing into my own- i was personable, outspoken, crazy, funny, and for the first time in my life i truly felt beautiful- all because of my dancing. i met a lot of wonderful people and finally felt like i had found my niche.

- freshman year was coming to a close, i applied to be an RA in my college dorms and was accepted- i couldn't believe how well things were going for me- my life seemed to be coming together just in the way i had imagined. i felt like college had taken me under it's wing and given me everything i ever wanted. i ended my freshman year with a 3.9 GPA, amazing new friends, and a boyfriend who was everything i ever wanted- i was sure that time was coming that he would propose- i felt like my life was all planned out- everything was set- there was a plan and all i needed to do was follow along.

- the summer before my sophomore year my boyfriend told me he was going to be studying abroad in China for a semester. I was upset but i understood- we had been far apart throughout our whole time in college- he was in New York, i was here in Wisconsin. We had always made it work- long distance is not easy, but somehow i knew it was for the best. he set off for China and i set off for college- my new RA job and a brand new year. the moment i stepped into my room new room i just knew things were going to be different this year and i was ready for anything life had to throw at me.

-my RA room sophomore year overlooked the woods to the back of Mount Mary College- the sun would rise and set and it was the most beautiful thing i have ever seen. Every morning i would wake up and feel the warmth of that sky- no matter if it was raining, snowing, sleeting or sunny- i could feel it. i went to bed underneath that sky every night- the sky felt like it went on forever outside my window- to me the sky meant possibility and growth- it truly was amazing. my RA job was going great- my residents loved me and i finally felt like i was playing a vital role in the lives of people- something i have wanted to do all my life.

- it was halfway into sophomore year that i realized your "plan" doesn't always go the way you think it will. in fact sometimes having a plan when your that young isn't always the smartest thing to do. my boyfriend called me from China and told me that he was going to be spending a year in China instead of a semester and that he wanted to take this time to be apart- it would be good for us he told me. i remember the silence that resided on both of our ends- i choked back tears of anger, sadness, guilt and denial. how could he do this? didn't he know we had a plan? i spent that day crying more then i ever have in my life- i never realized how much pain one person could feel all at once. my emotions over took me- i felt like nothing would ever make sense again. i think i stayed in my room for about a week- contemplating a way to get him back- i would do anything- even move to China- a story i laugh about now but was very real to me then.

- i needed a distraction- and that is exactly what i got. i tried to make new friends- which i did. i pushed away everyone i ever cared about up to that point- who needs them anyways? i didn't need any reminders of him- i needed to escape. i needed a new life, new identity, a new way of living- and that is exactly what i found. i turned into a college party fiend- every night that there was a party- i was there. there were many mornings spent praising the porcelain goddess back in my dorm room, hoping no one would notice i was hung over from some serious partying the night before. i didn't know it then but i do know now- that wasn't me- it wasn't who i really wanted to be, but it was who i needed to be- at that time, in that place. if i hadn't gone through that i wouldn't be where i am now- i firmly believe that a rocky road will always lead you to a better place- i was about to find that place.

- after much suffering in both my personal life as well as my academic life i decided i needed to change. i took my dancing back up again- i missed it so much. i can't tell you how good it felt to put on those shoes again for the first time- it was as if they were meant for me- the way they hugged my feet made me feel secure again- as if they were telling me "welcome back, we knew you'd come around" this is when i met D- i had known him before this time but it felt so brand new to me. it was a clean slate and i welcomed him aboard- for better or worse. i warned him him not to get close- "it's too soon, i'm no good for you" type of warning- but as you all know he didn't listen.

- a month after we began dating i moved out of the dorms. my heart just wasn't in it anymore- i had lost the trust of a lot of people and i wanted to regain myself before i attempted to be there for anyone else. it was one of the hardest moves i have ever had to make- i would miss all of my friends- the people i had known for so long. D asked me to move in with him- i was unsure at first- i had never lived with a boyfriend before- putting all of our stuff together just seemed so permanent- what if things went wrong again? what if this plan also failed? i made a leap of faith however, which i am feel i do often- which is sometimes good, and sometimes bad- but it turned out to be one of the best leaps i ever made!

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-fast forward 3 months- D proposed to me on November 19th 2005! I was on the moon, head over heals in love! it couldn't have been a better time, we were planning our wedding in no time- well ok we were kind of lazy about the whole planning thing in the beginning- but we finally set a date- August 11th, 2007. shortly after that we moved to milwaukee, D got a new job as a car salesman and i got a job as a medical biller. we were in love and finally moving into our first apartment together- it was small, money was tight, but we made it happen. we were saving, saving, saving for the wedding of our dreams!

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- finally, our day was here! we were so in love that day- i am so glad i got the whole thing on video because otherwise i would have missed a lot! i love this picture. it is one of the ones i have not yet shared on my blog- so i thought i would show you guys how much fun we had with the timeless and classic garter toss.the moment i walked down the isle and saw D's face i realized all along he was the man i was supposed to spend the rest of my life with. i truly believe in soul mates- there is that one person out there for everyone- at that moment i felt like i had found mine- that this was real, it was all coming true. it was the best moment of my life- the wedding of course- not just the garter toss :0)

i realized today that this shoe has been through a lot. a few posts back i wrote about how i do all of my best thinking in the car- all of my thoughts, feelings, emotions are embedded into that car! whoever gets it next better take care of it- it has put up with me since i was 15! kind of like the little pink shoe on my key chain. i never realized until today just how much that charm means to me. it may look ratted and torn- worn out and lifeless. sure the color may be faded and the rubber on the bottom smooth from me nervously rubbing it- but that's what makes it so great!!!! it carries my memories, the good and the bad, my roller coaster of a life- all wrapped up in a tiny pink shoe. i promised myself today that i would never get rid of that pink shoe- it will stay with me forever, and even when it can no longer reside on my key chain because the leather is so worn and it finally gives way- it will still be with me- maybe not on my key chain but in my mind.

i hope that all of you have something like this- something that you have taken with you through the years, something that has grown with you, been there for it all. if you have it tucked away take it out- think about where it has been, where you have been, and where you are now. small things do really bring great things- this shoe has taught me a lot.